Confessions of a hedgehog
“Hi everyone, my name is Anna and I am a hedgehog.”
Hedgehogs – a small mammal that lives in the gardens and forests of Northern Europe – are very cute and lovable. Just look at Mrs Tiggy-Winkle from Beatrix Potter’s books for children!
Hedgehogs are very cute and lovable, until they feel threatened. They quickly curl up into a spiky ball and hide themselves from the world. Anyone foolish enough to approach the hedgehog ball will feel the full brunt of the sharp spines.
When I am frightened or threatened, this is just what can happen to me. I get very quiet, and when I do speak, I don’t: I just bark out short sentences or questions. Obviously, this is quite far away of my competent adult self. We all have a triggered self as a stress response, and this one of mine is called “The Hedgehog”.
In the month of November there is a plenty of opportunity to observe stress responses as we feel the pressure of another year ending. In the world of business and finance, many are closing their books and doing their accounts: will I finish in profit or will your accounts end in the red? Is there something I could do to change it around, or at least make it look better?
There is another set of accounting going on at the same time. Every new year brings a hope and a promise – if not of something better, at least of something different. The end of each year calls for reflection: maybe you have been able to make the change you longed for, maybe the change has proven elusive (once again). Will my internal, personal accounting show a positive or a negative balance? Is there something I could do to change it around, or at least make it look better?
The outer balances exist in “consensus reality”, in something can be measured in facts and figures, the inner balances are part of the “dreaming level” of our hopes, fears, expectations and projections. Everyone can see our outer balances, but we typically keep the inner balances private, hidden deep in ourselves. Sometimes they are hidden so deep that we are not even aware of themselves.
Knowing that others can see our outer balances and that feeling that we cannot show our inner balances to others intensify the pressures even more. Then suddenly, we cannot control ourselves any more, and the stress response or a triggered self takes over.
You can be hijacked by a stressor anywhere – in the office, at the supermarket cashier’s or during a family celebration. This happens because our brain – in particular, the amygdala – has evolved to remember frightening or dangerous events to keep us safe in the future. The amygdala is the most primitive part of our brain, so it enables us to have only the most primitive of responses: feelings (expressed in thoughts, words, facial expressions or body language) are out of proportion, intense or inappropriate, and resulting behaviours are instinctive rather than intentionally chosen.
Whilst triggered selves are completely a natural part of being a human, if we are not aware of our triggers and current (primitive) response, we won’t be able to (re)engage our prefrontal cortex – the smarter part of our brain. Working on your triggers is work that is best done together with a trusted person. This could be a coach, a close colleague or a friend. I personally have done all three, and they all continue to benefit me in different ways:
The credit for identifying my stress response as “The Hedgehog” goes to my husband (who has observed my behaviour from close quarters for the past 17 years). This metaphor was crucial for being able to look my behaviour in terms of the destructive impact it has.
Working with an ICF certified coach - an objective observer and an ally without her own agenda - has helped me to distinguish between having a strong emotional reaction and a triggered experience. The coach also supported me in finding more skilful responses and recover faster in the moment.
I am also blessed with colleagues who buoy me in my intent and practice of choosing competent responses with cheerleading or butt-kicking, as required.
As life is busy, and you already have too much on your plate, I leave you with three simple questions to consider:
How would you describe your triggered self? Are you a rabbit-in-the-headlights, a fire-breathing dragon or a glum Eeyore?
What is the impact of such behaviour on others?
What action are you willing to take to change your impact?